


Undeserving

by pneumatics



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Guilt and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:32:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7343065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pneumatics/pseuds/pneumatics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are days Erik wonders what life would be like if he had stayed with Charles.</p><p>He doesn't deserve to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Undeserving

The guilt Erik feels when he thinks of Charles is like a satellite crushing his chest. He wonders if it would’ve hurt less to drown before he met him. Sometimes, it comes out of nowhere, crashing into him with waves upon waves of broken promises and things that never would be.

He deserves the pain.

His days with the Brotherhood are new, and as the leader, he has shouldered the biggest burden he’s ever carried. There are days when he is lonely, days where he can’t do it alone. All he wants Charles beside him, leading, ruling, together. Just the two of them.

He doesn't deserve to think that anymore.

The Cuba incident is plastered all over the news, over every surface, and Erik has broken three televisions watching new broadcasts about the events on the island. There are days Emma finds him screaming nonsense into shards of glass. There are nights when she has to pick up the pieces of a broken man, and haphazardly piece him together. It’s not enough; it’s never enough, but he owes her a debt. She never mentions it.

He doesn’t deserve her silence.

Charles is a taboo word at the Brotherhood. There are whispers and rumors of what Erik shared with the man who was too human as a mutant. An unlucky nobody went as far as to mock the professor’s naivety. “He’ll be the first to die,” he stated. A minute later, his back was broken as a van pinned him to a wall. “Charles Xavier is twice the man you will ever be,” Erik screamed. “Don’t ever say his name.” The nameless mutant died after two days, after Erik tore bloody apologies out of him, made him suffer.

He doesn’t deserve to speak his name.

When he sees Charles again, the man is in a wheelchair, and Erik wants to claw his eyes out. He did this. He broke this beautiful angel of a man, and he left him. Took her. Charles Xavier is a man with nothing to lose anymore, and the reckless gleam in his eyes terrifies Erik. _This was no longer the man he loved. He did this._

Sometimes he wants to let Charles back into his head, so he can understand, so he can hear how sorry Erik is. So he can fix him.

But he doesn’t deserve that either.


End file.
